Join The Impact: San Jose

This was originally posted to Calitics California Politics Blog.

About 2,000 people gathered at San Jose City Hall today as part of a nationwide day of protest against Prop 8 and for equal rights. We started by gathering in four locations - the San Jose Museum of Art, Metropolitan Community Church, St. James Park, and the Billy DeFrank LGBT Community Center. I'd carpooled in with my friend Ms. V and a friend of hers, and we started at St. James Park, handing out extra Vote No on Prop 8 signs left over from the campaign. Although we could have gone to the Mountain View rally closer to home, we'd chosen San Jose to be part of something bigger, and to be with our community from the DeFrank Center and the South Bay No on 8 campaign. Almost immediate we ran into Nan Coley, a friend and former colleague who had provided the inspiration for my blog post last night, Waiting for Proof. We continued handing out signs until we ran out, when I found more friends, the Shmilas, who I had introduced 12 years ago, and who were married on November 2. Ms. V ran into her ex and they caught up on their lives. And we ran into a straight couple active in PFLAG, who we'd met through the campaign. His sign (photo right) was so popular people kept asking him to pose for pictures and videos.

Then we were given the signal and started walking, and as we spread down the sidewalk we started to get an idea of how many of us had gathered. A news helicopter circled overhead as protestors converged on City Hall from the four starting places. The crowd included LGBT and straight, young and old, parents and kids, teachers and students, leaders and members of faith communities, Hispanic Americans, African-Americans, Asian Pacific Islanders, the full diversity of the San Jose community. We surrounded the fountains on the City Hall plaza as barefoot children played in the water. We chanted (2-4-6-8 Love does not discriminate! What do we want? Equal rights! When do we want them? NOW!). We strained to hear speakers like DeFrank Executive Director Aejaie Sellers, and cheered when cars passing by honked their horns in support.

The mood was mostly upbeat. Although I'd been nervous about a possible counter-protest, we met no resistance on our march to City Hall and we found none on the plaza. I later read in the San Jose Mercury News that there had been a handful of Yes on 8 protestors across the street, but from our vantage point at the bottom of the fountain they could be neither seen nor heard. The messages were positive. Although it was sorely disappointing that Prop 8 had passed, it had been defeated in Santa Clara County where the Knight Initiative had passed. Although many in the LGBT community had been stunned by the election results, that had mobilized our community across the country. Volunteers from the DeFrank Center circulated with clipboards to sign up volunteers ready to commit to fighting for marriage equality. They invited us to a community meeting on Monday night to plan next steps. As we stood in the sun and cheered and waved our signs, I forgot to be angry at those who had waited to volunteer until after Prop 8 had passed. We can only move forward, and this crowd appeared ready to do the work. Now if we can only hang on to that energy.

Waiting for Proof

"I also was deliriously happy when Barack Obama won the election. During his victory speech, I was awestruck at the eloquence and grace of this man who we need so much. He reminds me of Dr. King and a bit of JFK both of whom I greatly miss. I wept knowing this is an event of our times that matches no other."
— Nan Coley

My friend Nan went on to note that in those moments of victory an entire people, after generations of struggle, was lifted up. "I couldn’t be more proud and relieved right along with them." What she wrote next completely choked me up: "We, too, are waiting for our proof of belonging to the whole. One day it will happen and I hope I am here to experience it."

When MBW (My Beautiful Wife) and I first met almost 18 years ago, we never dared to think that we would be able to legally marry in our lifetimes. But when we stood in line all day in the rain on President's Day in 2004, and when we finally reached the San Francisco City Hall rotunda and heard those words, "By the power vested in me," we realized how much we wanted the rights, privileges and responsibilities of marriage. And when we were at last legally married in July of this year, we felt what we had been longing for: we felt equal.

Tomorrow is a national day of protest. Simultaneous rallies will take place all over the country in support of marriage equality and in protest of the same-sex marriage bans passed on November 4. We hope for a day of peaceful protest, solidarity, and engagement. And I personally hope we will focus on moving forward rather than on blame.

Nan has words of wisdom that apply here as well. "It is up to us to embody the measure of grace and pride that will show we will not quit and will not fail in our quest for equality with respect and decorum befitting citizens of America who deserve no less than anyone else."

I will try to keep those words in mind tomorrow as we walk to City Hall to show our resolve. But I know I will keep coming back to this one thought that Nan so perfectly expressed: "We, too, are waiting for our proof of belonging to the whole."

Nine Days in November: Tales of a No on 8 Volunteer

“First you talk to one person, then you talk to another person, then you talk to another person ...”
— Cesar Chavez, co-founder of the United Farm Workers, on how to organize

Saturday, November 1: Attended a large training session for No On Prop 8 election day volunteers in Palo Alto. Helped pass out materials and, afterwards, prepare materials for next session. Several of us went from there to Mountain View to join a rally organized by local high school students. We held up our No on Prop 8 signs at a busy intersection on El Camino Real as the rain came down harder and harder. We took pictures of each other, smiling and sodden, as cars drove by honking their horns in support. We could tell that it was much quieter a few blocks down the road where Yes on 8 proponents were holding their own rally. It gave us hope.

Sunday, November 2: Having signed up to volunteer all day on Tuesday, this was my day for resting and preparing and conserving strength. I know my physical limitations and knew that I couldn't afford to be sick or in serious pain on election day. I stayed home and spent much of the day studying campaign materials and surfing the No on 8 Twitter stream, passing along information about rallies and tweeting encouragement. I was still hearing stories of voters confused about what No versus Yes would mean ("You mean if I support same-sex marriage I have to vote No?"). I felt vaguely guilty about not doing more -- rallying, calling voters -- but also knew that if I didn't take it easy I would not be able to work for twelve hours straight on election day. I am already looking forward to getting that over with.

Monday, November 3: Chris, the San Jose field director for No on Prop 8, called in the morning with an urgent need to have someone courier campaign materials from the San Jose office up to headquarters in San Francisco. I called My Beautiful Wife (hereinafter called MBW) back from the brink of tabling in San Mateo. We drove down to the office on Gish Road where we picked up a box of donations, maps, and other materials, got instructions for delivery, then drove up to the Castro in SF. At headquarters we doled out the materials to their rightful recipients and introduced ourselves to Moya, the voice behind the San Francisco portion of the @NoOnProp8 twitstream. It was exciting to see the headquarters, to say hi to the incredible Kate Kendell, and to feel we were making a unique contribution. We loaded stickers, buttons, and a few hundred yard signs into the car, grabbed lunch at Cafe Flore, and headed back to the South Bay. First to a busy corner in Palo Alto to deliver materials to the rallyers there, then back to the San Jose office with the rest of the signs. Once there we helped organize the poll captains for the next day, lining the walls with colored Post-It notes. And finally, back home to stay out of cars the rest of the day.

Tuesday, November 4: MBW rose early to start work at 6 a.m., leading a team of volunteers talking with voters outside the 100' perimeter of a Mountain View polling place. At 8 a.m. I headed down to Patrick's Sunnyvale home where we were running a campaign hub out of his garage. I had never been this involved in a campaign before and it was alternately exhilarating and frustrating. For the volunteers at the polling places, it was an emotional roller coaster ride. Every citizen who said "I'm voting No" gave hope, and each one who said "I'm voting Yes," was a kick in the gut. Meanwhile, Patrick and I were in his garage troubleshooting and cheerleading by cell phone. "No, you don't have to leave, you are within your rights to be there." "No, it's the church lady's problem that she told the Yes on 8 people they couldn't come." "No, you won't be arrested as long as you are outside the 100' perimeter and following the rules." "You ROCK!" By 7:30 we had packed things up in the garage and moved inside to watch the returns and handle any remaining calls before the polls closed. When the news channels called the presidential race for Obama we popped open a bottle of champagne. I had 3 tiny sips because I was exhausted and still had to drive home. MBW was already home and resting, discouraged by the voter interactions of the day and wishing she had a thicker skin. I drove home listening to McCain's concession speech, feeling much relieved about Obama's win. I was expecting the Prop 8 race to be close and not to know until the next day, and I was trying not to get my hopes up too high.

Wednesday, November 5: Shock and numbness at the news that Prop 8 passed, along with similar initiatives in Florida and Arizona and a ban on adoption by unmarried couples in Arkansas. Bewilderment that the U.S. could take such a big step forward for the civil rights of African-Americans and such a big leap backward for the human rights of gays and lesbians on the same day. It's difficult to get excited about Obama's victory, my primary feeling is still one of relief. MBW is crushed, grieving and furious, and there is no way for me to comfort her. She takes a personal day, unable to face a cheery potluck planned at work. I work from home, distracting myself by catching up on the accumulated email from the last four days spent focused on the campaign. In the afternoon we go out for a ride around the neighborhood to blow off some steam. It's a beautiful day, and I see again the many No on Prop 8 signs in our neighbors' yards. But on the other side of the neighborhood we pass a Yes sign and a pickup truck with a large home-made sign mounted in the back. It says "What would he vote on Prop 8?" and there's a face, but we do a double-take as we pass and see that the face is not Jesus but Osama bin Laden. MBW thinks the sign-maker is equating us with terrorists, but frankly it doesn't make any sense to me from any angle. Back home, email from the No on 8 campaign says the votes are not all counted yet and they are waiting before making a statement. We are in limbo, perhaps we have equal rights; perhaps not.

Thursday, November 6: We've lost, Prop 8 has passed, legal challenges have been filed. Still feeling numb, much of which is physical exhaustion. On the drive to work I have to fight back the tears. Then I realize I am more angry than sad. Angry at the lies and deception of the Yes campaign. Angry at the influence of religious institutions on our state constitution. Angry at our initiative process which allows that constitution to be so easily modified. I try to tell myself that I have done everything I could; I'm almost convinced. I work, but it is hard to concentrate. I cannot keep my eyes and voice from the stream of outrage and sorrow online. I want to be a voice of comfort and moderation, to say it is as wrong to hate the Mormons and the Knights of Columbus as it is for them to hate us. I think to myself that we have a lot of people we're going to have to sit down and talk with, calmly, to move our rights forward after this. I think of Cesar Chavez and his description of how to organize, "First you talk to one person, then you talk to another ..." I look at the growing list of rallies but don't have the energy to attend yet. I pick out a couple of events on Sunday and Monday and put them on my calendar.

Friday, November 7: More rallies. I pass the news along through Twitter, updates about new events and news from the events themselves. There are alarming stories of No on 8 rallyers being abusive to African-Americans because as a group the majority voted in favor of Prop 8. I'm horrified and frightened by this response. This is not the time to alienate; this is the time to communicate. "First you talk to one person ..." I'm relieved to see this is the message coming from campaign leadership. Still there are more rallies and candlelight vigils. I keep twittering, gathering new No on 8 friends and followers. I receive an email with photos of us smiling in the rain at last Saturday's rally. I can barely remember why we looked so happy.

Saturday, November 8: Slept late, blowing off a day-long event I'd signed up for. Started catching up on my life: washing the CPAP hoses, loading and running the dishwasher, getting a long overdue haircut. Remembered a Buddhist story I first heard in an undergraduate course. A disciple asks the master what he needs to do to achieve enlightenment. The master asks the disciple if he has eaten his breakfast yet. "Yes, master." "Then rinse your rice bowl." I tell myself this story so I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what's next.

Sunday, November 9: MBW and Ms. V and I go to the Billy DeFrank Center for a post-election marriage equality gathering. MBW and Ms V find seats while I help get people signed in. I'm glad to help out because it gives me a chance to hug some of the volunteers I'd worked with at phone banks and on election day, and to see some old friends. The room is overflowing with people. We squeeze more chairs into the room and there are people sitting on the floor, standing in every available space, spilling up the stairs and out the door. Some want to talk and air their feelings, some want to march and rally. The group agrees to do both ... first meet in the room and then take to the streets. When the group heads outside, MBW and Ms. V want to go home. They know I would march, but they are both in similar funks and not up to it. We head home, sit in the living room and talk about the election results, the legal challenges to Prop 8, and about our options for what we can do now. We talk about which candlelight vigils to attend tomorrow night. We will rest and recover. We will continue to fight for our rights.

My No on Prop 8 Heroes

“I don’t see why anyone on the planet would want to deny you a marriage.”
— Norma Watson to her daughter Moya

I'm not 100% sure how two months went by without a blog post. True, I was incredibly busy at work before, during and after the Grace Hopper Celebration of Women in Computing (GHC), which had me on Facebook and LinkedIn and Twitter and the GHC blog and, there you go, two months just like that. Today I finally broke down and moved the Twitter feed to the top of my blog in recognition of the fact that I'm more likely to post there than here.

Before GHC I started volunteering for the No on Prop 8 campaign by making calls at phone banks. After GHC I took another leap and started training and coaching and running phone banks. Working the phone banks is something I'd never done before, never wanted to do, and never ever imagined myself doing. But this is too important to sit by the sidelines and just donate money. So I held my nose and jumped in.

What's truly wonderful about the phone banks is the volunteers who come to make the calls, every type of wonderful fair-minded person. Gay and straight, young and old, they volunteer because they know it’s wrong to single out one group of people and exclude them from having the same rights as other citizens. They come with their parents, their children, their spouses, boyfriends and girlfriends. Like me, most of them have never done anything like this before. They are my heroes.

My family, too, are my heroes. With my birthday coming in a few days, they knew that there's nothing I want more than to defeat proposition 8. So everyone in the family sent contributions, the perfect gift!

The next couple of weeks will also blow by quickly. There is still so much to do both at work and on the No on Prop 8 campaign. I'm sure you're busy too. But this election is really important, and it's going to be really close. If you are not registered to vote, don't delay! Here in California the deadline is this coming Monday, October 20. Then vote, and don't stop with the presidential race. Every vote will be important. Make yours a vote for fundamental fairness, and vote No on Prop 8.

Of Marriage and No on Prop 8 and Republicans

"The institution of marriage can only be strengthened by allowing everyone to participate in its rights and responsibilities."
— from the Republicans Against 8 web site

Wow, August blew by and we're getting seriously into September. Mrs. Leaping Woman and I have been thoroughly enjoying our marital bliss. We set up our No on Prop 8 fundraising wedding registry and I started volunteering for the campaign. Last Tuesday I went through phone bank training. They gave us all lists of names to call but told us to start with the numbers on our cell phones. I was able to sign up a phone bank volunteer and get some donations from friends, but unfortunately I'd forgotten to bring my phone headset. My gimpy arms gave out before I could get to the calls to strangers, and four days later I've almost recovered. So next time I'll be sure to bring it.

When K and I were married in July, our best friends P&R played a big role in our small ceremony. Tomorrow, we are "best women" for theirs. I've been practicing writing my Hebrew name and my parents' so that I can witness the ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract. It took a little research with my sisters and the Internet to nail down the right names and their spellings, and it's been fun to learn. As a culinary Jew (i.e., primarily I eat my favorite foods that go with each holiday) this is something I've never had to do before.

The November election on Proposition 8 is going to be extremely close. If you support marriage equality, here's how you can help:

• First and foremost, if you live in California vote "No" on Proposition 8 this November.
  
• Make a donation to the No on Prop 8 campaign.
  
• Talk to 10 people and ask them to talk to 10 people. You'll find talking points in the No on 8 FAQ.
  
• Click on Vow to Vote No to have your commitment to marriage equality counted.
  
• Visit http://noonprop8.com/action/ to learn more about what you can do to protect marriage equality.

Oh, and about the quote at the top... I'm not a Republican but I am happy to know that there are marriage equality advocates among them. Republicans Against 8 was founded by the Log Cabin Republicans, a coalition of LGBT Republicans and their allies. Although it makes sense that there are LGBT voters in both the Democratic and Republican parties, I'll confess that the Log Cabin Republicans have always mystified me, as does their statement that "Gov. Palin is an inclusive Republican who will help Sen. McCain appeal to gay and lesbian voters." I see abortion rights and LGBT rights as inextricably tied. The same people who want to deny women the right to make our own decisions about whether and when to carry a pregnancy to term want to deny LGBT citizens the rights to love and marry the people we choose. I don't understand how anyone who thinks that abortion should be illegal even in cases of rape and incest can appeal to any lesbian voter. Not this one, anyway.

North America Bridal Tour 2008

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it’s when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
— Amy Bloom

Our dear friend MGH paraphrased this quote when she officiated at our wedding ceremony. After 17 years together, we find it exciting to be legally wed at last. My wife (I love writing that!) and I are on vacation now, taking what we have come to call our North American Bridal Tour. It started when our dear friends Les Gals recast a planned outing one week after the wedding into a champagne tea at the Ritz Carlton in San Francisco. We donned our wedding outfits and Jan made sweet wedding favors with pink and white Jordan almonds. The tea was fabulous, and afterwards we posed for a group photo in the lobby and talked about Photoshopping them into the wedding photos.

Next stop on the tour was Chicago for dinner with family and a night at the Ardmore House B&B. Then off to Mishawaka to see Mom, my sister E and niece H. We modeled our wedding outfits for them, showed the wedding ceremony video, and took a family picture, pondering the best poses for Photoshopping them in. Back to Chicago for another family dinner, and then to Aunt P's apartment. Again we donned our wedding finery and showed the video, took more family photos, and dug into a two-tier "wedding cake" that my sister F and niece G constructed from a cheesecake and a decadent chocolate affair from Whole Foods.

Now we're in Halifax for K's family reunion. We're planning to do it again (outfits, video, photo), probably before Saturday's barbecue. I'm hoping everyone will participate but won't be surprised (disappointed, yes, but not surprised) if not everyone does. I've been accepted into the family (it's been 17 years now, after all) but there are some religious beliefs that still present barriers. But I hope everyone will come. I still love hearing the ceremony, to which MGH had also added this powerful quote from the civil rights movement:

"The right to marry whoever one wishes is an elementary human right compared to which "the right to attend an integrated school, the right to sit where one pleases on a bus, the right to go into any hotel or recreation area or place of amusement, regardless of one's skin or color or race" are minor indeed. Even political rights, like the right to vote, and nearly all other rights enumerated in the Constitution, are secondary to the inalienable human rights to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness" proclaimed in the Declaration of Independence; and to this category the right to home and marriage unquestionably belongs."
— Hannah Arendt in Dissent, Winter 1959

Words to Love By: Wedding Excerpts

Usually I like to open with a quote and then move on to writing the blog post. Today, still coming down to earth from our wedding just over a week ago, most of the post is quotes. Here are a few readings that opened our wedding ceremony, read by friends and K's sister. That turned out to be a wise choice, because we were immediately too choked up with emotion to speak any more than our vows.

"Lazy loved Pubah and loved loving her. Out past the edges of the world's agreement, beyond even her own standards, her own approval, the rules of her childhood, beyond even her own mind, she loved her and loved loving her. The loving brought forth in her all of her courage as well as all of her limitations, all of her blind desire to be like the others, to melt in, to be invisible. It took her out of the roles she thought she would grow up to fill. It took her away from her automatic stream of pictures of what life should be and forced her to create her own version of what life could be. And beyond all of that was the woman she loved, living a life made from nothing more than her own imagination, and she was beautiful."
— Andrea Carlisle, from The Riverhouse Stories: How Pubah S. Queen and Lazy LaRue Save the World

---

i carry your heart with me
— ee cummings

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

---

"Is the key to love in passion, knowledge, affection?
All three—along with moonlight, roses, groceries,
givings and forgivings, gettings and forgettings,
keepsakes and room rent,
pearls of memory along with ham and eggs."
— Carl Sandburg, from "Honey and Salt"

Our Wedding

Reality, Virtual Reality, and a Real Fight for Equality

"If you don't create your reality, your reality will create you."
— Lizzie West

Reality

Our wedding is just a little over a week away! The plans are coming along, in spite of how busy everyone is. We changed our minds and decided to get married at home. Our dear professional Green Thumb friend Ms. V is generously donating her labor to pretty up the neglected garden. We've bought our wedding clothes, which will become our party outfits for the next N years. I still need shoes since my usual boots and beat-up sandals simply won't do, and maybe a sun hat. We've got the license. MG has been deputized as a marriage commissioner. The texts for the ceremony have been selected but the arrangement needs to be set. Etc., etc. There are so many details, and checking each item off the To Do list has been both satisfying and a relief. But mostly we are just deliriously happy that we get to do this. We can hardly wait to hear those words, "By the power vested in me by the State of California, I now pronounce you ..."

Virtual Reality

I wasn't able to attend BlogHer, the conference for women bloggers, in San Francisco today and tomorrow, but I registered for BlogHer in SecondLife (SL) instead. To prepare, I'd gone inworld for some pre-conference office hours where Gidge Uriza, a BlogHer08 volunteer and SL fashion blogger, graciously gave me a few fun pointers and a free makeover: skin, hair, shape and clothes. I picked up some free BlogHer t-shirts for my avatar to wear with her new jeans, and checked out the virtual conference schedule. This morning a shorter-than-planned meeting left me enough time to attend the "speed dating" style networking session where I got to credit Gidge for my avatar's new cuteness and meet a number of the other bloggers. We were all exchanging blog URLs, so I figured I'd better get in here tonight and get back to blogging. But first, at the end of my RL (Real Life) workday I popped back into SL for the evening festivities of dancing and chatting with Gidge and the gals. Great fun, and I finally figured out how to make my "Click to see my blog" button point here to Leaping Woman.

A Real Fight for Equality

The No on 8 campaign is getting underway. Last night I went to another meeting at the DeFrank Center and learned more about the campaign strategy, the areas where volunteers are most needed, and what we can do now. Of course the main thing to do right now is tell everyone I know that K and I are getting married and that California Proposition 8 on the November ballot threatens our right to marriage equality, and tell them how they can support us.

So I am telling you now. K and I have been together for over 17 years, through sickness and health, for richer and for poorer. As a matter of basic fairness we would like to keep the fundamental right we now have to choose who we marry, and to marry who we choose. If you feel that we should keep the right to marry, here are the things you can do:

• Go to http://equalityforall.com/ and sign up as a supporter.
  
• Volunteer for the No on 8 campaign. You can help even if you don't live in California.
  
• Donate money to support the No on 8 campaign (we're still working on that registry).
  
• Vote in the November election and, if you are voting in California, don't stop with the Presidential race! Vote No on Proposition 8 to say Yes to marriage equality.
  

My bride-to-be and I thank you.

The Fight for Love

"The California Supreme Court did not simply rule that we had a right to marry, they ruled that any discrimination in state law based on sexual orientation will be subjected to withering scrutiny by the Courts of this state."
— Kate Kendell

Monday night my bride and a friend and I went to a community meeting on marriage equality at the Billy DeFrank LGBT Center in San Jose. The always-inspiring Kate Kendell of the National Center for Lesbian Rights was the guest speaker who laid it all out for us: how groundbreaking the CA Supreme Court ruling really was (see quote) and what it will take to beat the same-sex marriage ban on the November ballot in CA. We signed up to help with the campaign against this state constitutional amendment. I signed up for e-groups, of course.


So I was playing with Jonathan Feinberg's very cool Wordle, which generated this image from my tag cloud on delicious. Right now marriage and equality are almost impossible to find in the cloud. That will be changing, so it might be interesting to watch over time. Images created by the Wordle.net web application are licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 United States License.

Taking Another Leap!

“In light of the fundamental nature of the substantive rights embodied in the right to marry — and their central importance to an individual’s opportunity to live a happy, meaningful, and satisfying life as a full member of society — the California Constitution properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all individuals and couples, without regard to their sexual orientation.”
-- Chief Justice Ronald M. George, the California Supreme Court ruling

This blog began when I took the big leap of quitting my job. My next notable leap will be into legally wedded bliss. Of course after 17 years together, we already feel like an old married couple. But it stung when our previous marriage (San Francisco City Hall, President's Day, 2004) was nullified by the state, and we've been longing ever since to hear those words again, "By the power vested in me ..." So we're taking the leap and will be married in late July. And we're really excited about it!

Of course, there is work to be done. We've selected and reserved a meaningful location, settled on the scope (very small), picked a date and (a few hours ago) the time. Our dear friend MG, who notes she will be the only person (other than me) who has been at all of my weddings (1987, 2004, and 2008), will be deputized to officiate. A very few close friends and KJ's two local siblings will join us. We've done a little clothes shopping, knowing that whatever we buy will become our dressy outfits for the next n years. The question has arisen of the vows, but I am mostly in denial about that.

All this is goes on while my family is in a bubbling cauldron of change, with both my elderly aunt and my mother planning moves, one sister changing jobs, miscellaneous health problems, etc.. Keeping the wedding plans simple reserves time, energy and money for these other transitions. For me, planning our wedding is a joyous bright spot that helps keep me centered through all the turmoil.

We still have plenty of work ahead to defeat the November ballot initiative, so we've chosen to keep our wedding small and low-cost and put our money into the fight to keep our right to be married, and to extend that right to other same-sex couples. I'm starting to get questions about which charities are the most appropriate for wedding gift donations. I have a couple at the top of my list (Equality California and National Center for Lesbian Rights) and am open to suggestions of others. I'll include donation links in a follow-up post when I have more information and when we have one or more registries set up.

Leaping Woman Lands!

"Leap, and the net will appear."
— American naturalist John Burroughs

That was the opening quote when I started the Leaping Woman blog on October 26, 2007. I had quit my job after 26 years in the computing industry, and volunteered for a service year with a nonprofit. I chose the Anita Borg Institute for Women in Technology (ABI) because I had benefited from its programs over the years and because I believe in its mission: to improve technology by involving more women at all stages, and to improve the lives of the world's women through technology.

I had no idea what I'd do after that service year. The quote served as a mantra, warding off any fear about the future. Everything was open to exploration; everything was an option; even as I knew at that some point I'd have to start thinking about that next paying job.

The net began materializing when one of ABI's staff moved on to a new position. I volunteered to cover the online communities work she'd been doing, until the dust settled. Everything I'd been exploring, reading up on and playing with online suddenly was of practical daily use. I learned to use social networking tools with funny names that made my friends say, "Huh?" I started to form a vision, and come up with new ideas to try. I bounced out of bed in the morning, looking forward to the day's work. And I started talking with the staff about joining their team.

"Leap, and the net will appear. " On March 3, 2008 I became an employee of the Anita Borg Institute. Leaping Woman has landed, and with a big smile on her face.

Readers of this blog are already aware that as my involvement with ABI has increased, my activity on this blog has decreased. I expect to do most of my writing now on the ABI website. Thank you for reading the Leaping Woman blog. And thanks for all of your support while I made that leap. One more quote, before I go:

"All that is necessary to break the spell of inertia and frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail."
— poet Dorothea Brande

Comfort Karma

"As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it."
— Mahatma Gandhi

We've just finished day one of ABI's TechLeaders: Power and Influence workshop featuring the fabulous Jo Miller, CEO of Women’s Leadership Coaching. I'm so energized by the great group of women, the amazing collective wisdom in the room, and the generosity with which it is shared. One of my conversations at the reception this evening turned to the subject of how to get yourself — or a friend — out of a funk. That reminded me of this list we brainstormed in a Success for Women workshop at a former employer:

How to Break Out of a Downward Spiral

• Brainstorm alternatives
• Find support
• Consider the worst possible outcome: How realistic is it?
  
• Recognize that you are stuck
• Persistence
• Take baby steps, and own each success
• Take away the safety net
• Address fear and get it over with
• Take action
• Just take "10 minutes"
• Know yourself and your priorities

Of course, what works for you or for me is personal and can vary widely. Certainly the third bullet is not for everyone. The idea is that when you stop and think about the worst possible outcome, often you'll realize that it's not so horrific — you could handle it. But if thinking about the worst possible outcome is what makes you go into a downward spiral, try another method.

Just take "10 minutes" requires a bit of explanation. This wise woman's method was to give herself ten minutes to wallow in whatever she was feeling, and then move on. If I recall correctly, she may have even set a timer. I've since heard others recommend this method.

Years before that Success workshop, another group of women had offered their advice on how to get through a difficult transition in my life. One said, "Make a list of things you can do when you're wide awake at 4:00 in the morning." On the next occurrence of such a night, the first thing I did was sit down and draft that list of things I could do in the middle of the night. Then I picked an item off the list and did that until I'd calmed down enough to get some sleep.

Another said, "Make a list of friends you can call at 4:00 in the morning." Some of them offered to be on that list. I never actually called anyone at 4:00 in the morning, but knowing I could helped me through some very rough nights. It was so helpful to me that I've made the same offer in return and to others. Call it comfort karma.

That transition was completed and the paper with the list is long gone. But I have saved the How to Break Out of a Downward Spiral list for years. Partly because it's comforting just knowing that I have such a list. Partly to share with others in need, which I have on more than one occasion.

To use the list, it helps to think of the unwritten first and last items on it:

1. Remember to look at your How to Break Out of a Downward Spiral list.
...
n. What else could go on this list?

There is no cure

"If you can't be a good example, you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
— Catherine Aird

Recently I confessed that I've been untrue to my blog. I've been off gallivanting with Twitter, Facebook, SecondLife, and more, while my poor blog sits with the wind howling through the gaping holes between posts. Half-written entries sit twiddling their thumbs awaiting cleanup and completion. A draft I call the Quote Silo sits jam-packed with quotations at the ready — selected for topics I thought I might blog — longing for their soul mates. And while I haven't exactly fallen into the depths of blogging decrepitude, periodically it occurs to me that I should blog more often, as a record for myself and interested others of what I've been up to since I made the leap. After all, I haven't actually landed yet.

But there is simply so much to explore! There are identities to try on, ideas to try out, more logins and passwords than I ever wanted, and so much to read. I love the reading and the learning and I find myself following link after link and the time simply passes. KJ and I recently read a short and hilarious little book called An Uncommon Reader. The premise: what would happen if the Queen of England suddenly became a voracious reader? I'm doing my own version (except I'm not a queen etc. etc.).

Now the purists among my friends will argue that web surfing is not the same as Reading Books, and I won't argue with them. But I'll close with another quote.

"The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity."
— Dorothy Parker

Best Practices for Non-Profits in SecondLife

"... Second Life has the killer app, which is community."
- Connie Yowell, MacArthur Foundation

Friday morning I attended a panel discussion on Best Practices for Non-Profits in SecondLife (SL). Or rather my avatar attended, since the meeting took place "inworld" at the Nonprofit Commons in SecondLife. At least 86 avatars attended the meeting. (click here for pictures). The panelists were from Global Kids, Alliance Library Systems, InWorld Studios, and TechSoup (which runs the Nonprofit Commons in SecondLife). These were some of my takeaways:

• TechSoup's Nonprofit Commons project provides free SecondLife office space to nonprofits. They've outgrown their current SL space and they're creating a second one.
• SecondLife is not suitable as a nonprofit's sole community outreach effort.
• Several panelists emphasized that it is not necessary for a nonprofit to have office space in SecondLife. But if you do you then need to staff it for regular office hours. It's helpful to have scripted objects that report back to staff who has visited the space.
• A large event takes a lot of organizers and volunteers and a lot of planning and preparation.
• You have to both plan ahead and improvise for SL technical challenges. For this event there was an external website where you could listen if your audio stream wasn't working inworld, but the number of listeners maxed out the server and not everyone could get in. So some of the attendees typed highlights of the discussion in the text chat for those who couldn't hear. And of course the audio was recorded so a podcast could be made available (although it doesn't seem to be posted yet).
• You have to plan ahead for those who don't have prior SL experience. One best practice is to hold preliminary events in SL, like dance parties, where people can learn and practice their inworld skills. And don't require particants to register inworld; buying Lindens is too complicated for newbies.
• Avoid too much text on notecards; text is better on the web than in SL.
• Publicity: Big nonprofit events in SL get lots of press. Document compulsively to get attention outworld. All press, positive or negative, can create useful dialog. Machinima videos are great promotional tools. And don't forget to tag with 'npsl'
• The best way for a nonprofit to get started in SecondLife is to start attending the Nonprofit in SecondLife (NPSL) weekly meetings (of which this was one).

I plan to start attending those weekly NPSL meetings there to get a better idea of what other nonprofits are doing and ideas for what's possible. Added benefit: much of the discussion was useful for thinking about online communities in general.

For more information, check out:

• Podcast from this event (probably under Library; it wasn't up yet last time I checked)
• Chat transcript from this event
• NPSL: Nonprofits in Second Life blog and wiki
• Nonprofit Commons blog
• Rik Panganiban's report "Best Practices for Non-Profits in SecondLife" based on nonprofit track from last year's SL Community Conference
• Article about Macarthur Foundation's investigation into philanthropy in virtual worlds

Girl Geeks Unite!

A few hundred girl geeks and their dates attended the first Bay Area Girl Geek Dinner, organized by Angie Chang (one of the founders of Women 2.0) and sponsored by Google. I had recovered from my cold enough to go by the ABI office for a couple of meetings and to pick up some flyers and GHC posters. Took a quick nap at home and hopped over to Google for the event. I thought it went very well. Because it was raining the reception was held in a big tent with a bar, lots of food, and great swag: Google/GGD mugs:



I got to catch up with some of the gals I'd met at She's Geeky. Mary Trigiani told me about foldier, the cool startup she's working with. We also talked with Susan Mernit about the challenges at Yahoo with a large layoff looming. It brought back many memories of layoffs I've managed through.

The program itself was pretty good. Ellen Spertus kicked us off with her top 10 reasons why it's great to be a girl geek. There was a panel on building reputation and credibility. The moderator was Katherine Barr, with panelists Irene Au (Director of User Experience at Google), Rashmi Sinha (CEO of SlideShare), Leah Culver (cofounder of Pownce), Sumaya Kazi (founder of The CulturalConnect). As far as geekdom goes, Ellen and Leah have the highest geek cred but the panel was interesting and there was a lively enough Q&A session.

No Title, No Quote

I've been sorely neglectful of this blog lately. I've been working a lot at ABI and, I admit, playing around other Web 2.0 media. Last weekend I spent several hours in SecondLife at the fabulous Sloodle Moot (see photostream). Then on Monday I succumbed to a monster cold that had been toppling one person after another at the ABI office.

The timing for this week's nasty cold turned out to be not half bad. First, because the weather all week was suitable primarily for arctic ducks. Second, because KFOG was playing World Class Rock A to Z where they go through their music library in alphabetical order. They started January 14 and are in the Ws so I suppose they'll wrap up over the weekend -- although they just started the What's and still have all the When, Where and Who songs to do. Not to mention all the songs that must start with You. As soundtracks go, it felt just right for my recovery.

Is America Ready for a Female President?

"The future depends entirely on what each of us does every day."
– Gloria Steinem

Great discussion on NPR this morning (you can replay this at npr.org)
with Gloria Steinem, around her excellent Op-Ed piece in the New York Times earlier this week:

Women Are Never Front-Runners

By GLORIA STEINEM

Published: January 8, 2008

Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House.

No matter how you feel about Hillary Clinton, Gloria Steinem remains as brilliant and articulate as ever.

Starting the New Year Right

ShorelinePark010108
Originally uploaded by leapingwoman

"The bicycle is the most civilized conveyance known to man."
— Iris Murdoch, The Red and the Green

When I first got the trike in August, KJ and I set a goal of riding together in Shoreline Park. We had a plan for achieving this: First I would slowly build up strength riding around the neighborhood until I could do a few miles and handle some uphills. Then we'd load KJ's recumbent on a bike rack, and I'd drive it over to the park while KJ rode my trike over. We've been working up to this since August, and I completed my first 5 mile ride a few days ago. So today was the day, and it was glorious!

The park was sunny with no wind. There were a lot of families out walking and biking, so it was a bit crowded. But people are curious about the trike and tend to make way for it. It was exhilarating to finally ride along the salt pond and look out over the water and all the wintering birds. Then we ditched the crowds and rode back behind the golf course. We only did about 2.5 miles, but we'll go back when it's less crowded and cruise around some more.

I like the twist of starting the new year by achieving a goal, rather than facing a list of new resolutions.